I'm going to start off this post by stating that this blog will not be me hating on Facebook. Its layout never bothers me, only throws me off guard when they switch it around.
You: "OMG I HATE THE NEW LAYOUT WHINE WHINE WHINE."
Zuckerberg: "OMG I'M A BILLIONAIRE SO THEREFORE GIVE NO SHITS."
Seriously, why should he? I wouldn't. After about a week, you forget what the previous layout looked like anyway...
If you remember this and you're not either this guy, Mark Zuckerberg, or one of MZ's accomplices in creating Facebook to begin with, then your life is sad.
ANYWHO. This post will mostly focus on the inhabitants of Facebook, the little ants that you are so interested in, yet get grossed out when they're on you. Face it- 1. Everyone has a friend (or more) that you've never met before. Just don't invite them to your house, dumbass. 2. Everyone has friends on Facebook they don't really like too much. We all like numbers and if you have more than others, you feel good.
So the first point of this Annoyances. blog post will be about the friends list and the account itself.
"OMG (people say that a lot) I'M GETTING RID OF ALL MY FRIENDS THIS IS SO ANNOYING"
Shut your face- you'll get rid of like, five friends and stop. You already have over 1300 friends, you ass, you're already in too deep. Just deal with it and block the posts of the ones you don't like.
Right.
"OMG I HATE DRAMA I'M DELETING MY ACCOUNT"
I've done this before. It feels good at first, but then after a while you just brainlessly re-activate your account again in like, a month. Most likely, if you're deleting your account due to drama, you are either overreacting and need to sit the hell down, or you're just forgetting the fact that you can just delete whoever is causing the drama. (Or making you dramatic. Admit it, you might be the source. Kill it with fire.)
I'm going to jump over to word usage. This is mostly in statuses, but comments, etc. also fall under this category. One of my favorites is the word "literally."
Indubitably.
Ah, Explosm.
My observations: The Top 3 Overused Words on Facebook Right Now:
1. Literally
2. Legit
3. Hacked
These words aren't just overused, but they're not used the way they're supposed to. Literally means "as it happened, exactly." Re-read the comic strip above.
Legitimate means "reasonable," or "valid." Shortening it to 'legit' makes you stupid.
"I like, legit, hate everyone."
No. You do not hate everyone. You also do not 'legit' anything.
"This is going to be a stupid question, but ..."
"No, that's a legitimate question and is helpful to others who are listening."
^ CORRECT, YOU WIN COMMON SENSE ^
Hacked. Oh, boy, this one. If you claim you hacked someone's Facebook profile, or any secure ANYTHING AT ALL, then you should be jailed. "Hacking" doesn't mean your friend left their computer or phone logged into Facebook like a dumbshit. That also makes you a dumbshit and therefore, a terrible friend. Goodbye, you're an embarrassment.
Now we move onto pictures. I don't really complain much about pictures, but a few make me worry for mankind. First of all, if your profile picture is a car, you're not special. There are many people who probably have that same picture as theirs, and it doesn't prove anything or inspire anyone. No one's going to say "wow, this is a great picture of you BUMBLEBEE."
But you will never be as cool as Bumblebee.
Even the racist twins in the second movie are better than you.
And that movie was awful.
Yep I went there.
Also, if all you do is upload Instagram'd pictures of your food, then you're stupid and I hate you.
I CAN'T EAT THIS I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE ON ME
That's what I imagine you to sound like.
Plus- sharing/posting pictures containing inspirational quotes are annoying. Something by Marilyn Monroe or something cheesy about relationships makes some say "aww" and makes some say "..." That's nothing, because they just keep scrolling. Yeah, your quote may be true, but it's not going to get any of us anywhere. You people make me feel like Squidward Tentacles, the king of not liking anything.
I might not have a problem with that.
Then there's that trend from about two years ago when everyone went through hundreds of those "groups" to join whose titles were something like "I put my socks on before my shoes."
"WOW, I can really relate to that. Let me join."
It's time-consuming and only results in said group posting random pictures and other crap that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the title or intentions it originally imposed. I have this problem, and I've "un-liked" so many groups it's stupid.
One thing that makes me laugh, yet makes me want to hit something is when older people make statuses like this: "so today i went to the store with my family i love them so much theyre so good to me time to go outside on my lavish back porch and lounge on my overexpensive chair with my overexpensive beer and possibly take a picture of it in my hand with my disgustingly beautiful backyard as the backdrop oh and i hate grammar and punctuation because their dumb and i only made it to fourth grade"
My face when.
Sadly, I've seen stuff like this, and it both scares me and inspires me to be a better writer and a more appreciative person in life. First of all, old people, the only Facebook friends you have ARE your family, so you're just looking for comments like these:
"Oh, <close family friend with extremely common name>, we (commentor's family who is unaware of the posted comment) miss you so much!!!!!! Give your folks all our love!"
- Shut up, you wouldn't have said that out of the blue for your friend who you "love so much." You also used way too many exclamation points, didn't address the status itself, and you also know very well that no one is going to go "Hey, loving wife and ignorant bratty children! A friend of mine whom you probably don't remember just told me to give you guys her love, along with the unwillingly distributed love of her entire family!" Oh, and your lack of punctuation LITERALLY made me queasy.
No really, I heaved a bit while my eyes witnessed that tragic murder of periods and commas.
SHUT UP NO ONE CARES. Thank you.
Also, posting hundreds of mirror shots of yourself with some shitty quote underneath them gets repetitive. I swear, they could all be the same frigging picture and no one would notice because no one cares.
To end the post, I will make one complaint about the features Facebook offers, and it refers to the "liking" of pages. Let's say a friend of mine "likes" the "official page" of Nike. Shit, who cares if it's the official page, they're all the same and just re-post stuff the actual official page posts. Anyway, if a friend of mine AND NOT ME likes that page, I don't need to see that page's posts. Seriously.
"Oh, but Ryan, above the post we say that So-And-So likes our page! We're just enriching you with the secrets of life-" NO STOP MY EYES BLEED WITH EVERY UNNECESSARY PICTURE OF GLOW-IN-THE-DARK SNEAKERS AND EVERY SAD ATTEMPT AT A DEPRESSING PICTURE OF A DOG OR CHILD.
To conclude, I'll just state that this probably won't be my last post about you annoying people on Facebook. There will most likely be many more to come.
Note that this is strictly Facebook on here (with one mention of Instagram), so Twitter will eventually have its own post.
YOUR WELCOME WORLD- SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
Lolumad.
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