5: Swag

Oh boy. Here we go. Trying to Google pictures for a topic like this is going to be excruciatingly painful.

And by love, I mean you guys.

Swag is- well, I don't know what it is, exactly. Some people try to jump out and say "SECRETLY WE ARE GAY. LOLLLLL!!!1!!!" But that's stupid. You're stupid and I hate you. I hate you almost as much as I hate those who claim they possess "swag."

 Here are a few examples:

Yes, this is a picture of Justin Bieber. I told you this would be painful.

Not just for me- but for you, as well.

We learn through pain. I'm the teacher, and you are my student. As the teacher, I say STOP.

See that cap? It's what people like to call a "fitted" cap. I like to personally call it STUPID. If you're not allowed to curl the front part, then I don't see the point in the friggin thing. That's just how caps work, and plus, these idiots leave the stickers on.

How about we just keep the tags on all of our clothing and call it a day.

Also, note the sunglasses and jewelry. Most people who daydream about their swag tend to weigh themselves down with extensive amounts of jewelry. Rings, necklaces, dog tags, earrings, "grills"...

This is a grill...

And this is a grill...

But this is not. Again, I simply call it "stupid." 

If you're taking offense to this Lil' Wayne photo, then you need to re-prioritize your life. 

You're embarrassing yourself.

And then there's the actual clothing articles. 

This is where we're going in life. I mean- why? There are many speculative stories about the origins of this trend, but really- who said "wow, that looks really hip and trendy, I'm going to imitate them and look hip as well!" Well your HIPs must be broken, because they're supposed to aid in holding up your pants.

They're not working. Instead, you look like a penguin as you walk with what almost look like someone tied a blanket around your ankles. 

When it comes to shirts, I really don't care- just know the difference between a dress and a t-shirt. Please and thank you. (Remove the 'please' mentally.)

NEEEEXT.

Um...

Exactly.

If you're worried that much about getting your shoes dirty, as I've found a lot of people are, then you need to sit down and think about your life. 

"Yo don't step on my kicks, they're brand new"

sounds a lot like 

"I'd rather you didn't use my pen, it's brand new."

Before I go any further, let me just add: kicks? Really? Ok, I'll call my gloves 'punches' from now on.

Uh. Isn't that what it's FOR!? They protect your feet so your FEET don't get dirty. That's what they're there for. A helmet is on your head to protect your head. "I won't wear this helmet as I navigate this fighter jet hundreds of miles in the air because I don't want to scratch it."

I know; there are a lot of pictures. Get over it.

A lot of the people who claim to hold the secrets of swag refrain from using correct grammar and sentence structure. That is a problem, considering not only do you sound like a bumbling asshole with your "grillz," but you've just thrown your entire education out the window, and half the things you say are probably made up.

"Crib"

"Kicks"

"Grillz"

"Homey"

... Also, "mad" is not a quantity, it is an emotion. It can be used as an adjective, a noun, or a verb, but I don't want to hear any "he's got mad money." So the money is upset? Why would it be? The money has feelings? If so, he should donate that money to science. This man has just made a scientific breakthrough.

Anyway, all those words are stupid. Crib is the sleeping place for an infant, not the domain in which you reside. I touched upon kicks and grillz, and as for homey... I just don't get it. 

Another example is of those guys who pose like complete dumbasses in pictures. You know what I mean: They always have to be holding a Solo cup, one of their hands either has to be pointing at absolutely nothing or holding up the peace sign, and more often than not, one hand is always over the crotch.

Something like that. At least, that's what they all look like to me. Just- dumb.

Plus the crocs just add to the offensiveness of it all.

One more thing: This isn't just for people who have swag, this is for everyone. Those of you who call your significant other "daddy" or "momma" or whatever- you're stupid and I hate you. You're referring to the person you're sleeping with as your parent, and that's creepy.

In addition, I know everyone calls people 'baby' or 'babe.' That's fine, everyone does it. But don't let that become the only name you have for someone. It's like- uh, they have a name, loser. Use it. His/her parent would have named them as so if they knew you'd be as annoying as you are and sound.

Conclusion: I'd say to get rid of your swag, but it doesn't exist. Sit down and shut up.