8: Social Media- Twitter

Oh, Twitter. 

I have a Twitter account and even I'll admit that it's completely pointless and a waste of time...

But I read the posts, or "tweets" anyway, because either they're funny, informative, or just plain stupid. Seriously. A lot of the things people post are surely facepalm-worthy. I swear, the dude who made this only did so for pure entertainment.

"Let's see how many idiots will use this and think that everyone actually cares and will read all their tweets."

And there you have it. 

I'm going to list the stupid things that annoy (yet entertain) me on the Twitter-sphere.

1. Guys who complain about girls.

Men, if you're gettin' girls left and right, you probably don't use Twitter too often, considering you have more than a shred of a social life. Those who don't use it a lot more often. I do use it pretty often, but some of these posts by the helpless single men out there are saddening. I'm single and I don't even complain this much. 

"I wish I had someone to cuddle with :(" 

ladies, you can translate that to:

"Man, I wish I had a girlfriend whom I can lie in bed with for about three minutes before I start making out with her."

Half of the reason you don't have a girlfriend is because you complain about not having a girlfriend.

The other half is because you're just stupid and you look pathetic. Do you think your friends, or, heck, the celebrities you follow will look at that and say "oh wow, that person is distressed. Let's cheer 'em up!"

NO. NO THEY DON'T. They laugh (or exhale more than usual) and continue scrolling on.

2. Girls who complain about guys.

Ladies, ladies. I care about your ignorant boyfriend/hookup/ex/etc just as much as I care how big the crap you took this morning was. If I hear "I give up," "I need/miss/love my bf!!!1!!!<3" or anything else that is indirect towards a certain person and has a hint of complain-ery in it, then you should probably delete your account because the amount of people who actually care equal the amount of people who liked the idea of A Christmas Story 2. (We're not counting the makers/actors of the film because obviously they were on something.) And if you read this saying "hey, loving your bf isn't complaining!!!" then shut up, because we want to hear that just as much as we want to hear everything else I mentioned.

And yes, a sequel to A Christmas Story happened. Google it.

Yes, the tall kid is supposed to be Ralphie. If I could emphasize the word 'no' any further, then I'd probably hurt myself or others with my shouting.

[Side note, if you're also reading this thinking "Well aren't you a hypocrite since you're complaining about complaining? You're contradicting yourself" then I think you should be banished from the internet and tied to the grill of Amanda Bynes' car. If you know what's been up with her, you'd understand. If not- well, you'll see.]

Let's just say this mugshot didn't come from her not doing The Amanda Show anymore.

3. Re-tweets.

I re-tweet, but it's ok when I do it, because most of the stuff I re-tweet makes sense. Other people re-post crappy jokes we've all seen twenty thousand times, inside jokes between friends, or some sort of sad attempt at a smart remark that may not be as intelligent or mature as they thought it was.

ALSO. If you are a comedian of some sort and you have a comedy Twitter account, meaning you tweet various jokes because you're just so damn funny, re-tweeting the jokes of other Twitter accounts is STUPID AND... AND DUMB. What a waste of a follow, jackass. That probably means you're not funny and should just shut it down.

4. People who complain about stupid things, otherwise known as "first world problems: Twitter edition."

"Omg my mom didn't get me starbucks today :( nothing to Instagram today. I hate my life."

The previous statement is an embarrassment to society and the writer should be shunned for extreme levels of stupidity. First off, most of these tweets are littered with grammatical and spelling errors, which hurts the brain enough. Secondly, hating your life because of a lack of expensive coffee is overdramatic and extremely brain-numbing due to the previously stated levels of stupididy. Thirdly, Instagram... all I have to say is that it seems to me it's more pointless than Twitter. "It's like Twitter, but with pictures as your statuses!"

How about no.

5. Party Posts.

"g3ttin s0 drUnk tonite! hmu"

So much wrong- just... Just so much. Great, you party. You get drunk and forget the entire night, probably picking up someone who is bound to throw up on you sometime during the night. Also, if you type numbers into your words, like a 3 instead of an E, or if you use q's instead of g's, then you're a waste of air and I hate you. Your keyboard should freeze if it sees you seriously doing this crap. We don't like you. FURTHERMORE. "hmu" never has and never will worked. This is much more effective: "Hit me in the face. With a chair." More people will react to that, I swear. Plus, people who don't believe jobs and schools can't see your accounts because they're "private" are extremely naive and need to get out from under their wifi-receiving rocks.

6. Random posts full of useless information.

"Taking a shit! Then grabbing food then work later! Text meee"

No- not if we know we'd be answering texts from someone who is in the middle of a bowel movement. Also, if you're so "busy," why are you concerned about the texts on your phone? You're going to work, dumbass. In addition, how will you expect to gain followers if your texts consist of your pitifully useless daily routines? Ooh, you're eating breakfast. How enticing.

"Someone should be my friend and text meee"

Exactly.

So if you think this post is pointed at you, it very likely may be. If you feel offended by this post in any way, let me know so I can feel a sense of accomplishment with this blog. Thank you, and have a nice day not being an internet-waster. Unless you are- then screw you.

7: Social Media- Facebook

I'm going to start off this post by stating that this blog will not be me hating on Facebook. Its layout never bothers me, only throws me off guard when they switch it around.

You: "OMG I HATE THE NEW LAYOUT WHINE WHINE WHINE."

Zuckerberg: "OMG I'M A BILLIONAIRE SO THEREFORE GIVE NO SHITS."

Seriously, why should he? I wouldn't. After about a week, you forget what the previous layout looked like anyway...

If you remember this and you're not either this guy, Mark Zuckerberg, or one of MZ's accomplices in creating Facebook to begin with, then your life is sad. 

ANYWHO. This post will mostly focus on the inhabitants of Facebook, the little ants that you are so interested in, yet get grossed out when they're on you. Face it- 1. Everyone has a friend (or more) that you've never met before. Just don't invite them to your house, dumbass. 2. Everyone has friends on Facebook they don't really like too much. We all like numbers and if you have more than others, you feel good.

So the first point of this Annoyances. blog post will be about the friends list and the account itself.

"OMG (people say that a lot) I'M GETTING RID OF ALL MY FRIENDS THIS IS SO ANNOYING"

Shut your face- you'll get rid of like, five friends and stop. You already have over 1300 friends, you ass, you're already in too deep. Just deal with it and block the posts of the ones you don't like. 

Right.

"OMG I HATE DRAMA I'M DELETING MY ACCOUNT"

I've done this before. It feels good at first, but then after a while you just brainlessly re-activate your account again in like, a month. Most likely, if you're deleting your account due to drama, you are either overreacting and need to sit the hell down, or you're just forgetting the fact that you can just delete whoever is causing the drama. (Or making you dramatic. Admit it, you might be the source. Kill it with fire.)

I'm going to jump over to word usage. This is mostly in statuses, but comments, etc. also fall under this category. One of my favorites is the word "literally."

Indubitably.

Ah, Explosm.

My observations: The Top 3 Overused Words on Facebook Right Now:

1. Literally

2. Legit

3. Hacked

These words aren't just overused, but they're not used the way they're supposed to. Literally means "as it happened, exactly." Re-read the comic strip above.

Legitimate means "reasonable," or "valid." Shortening it to 'legit' makes you stupid.

"I like, legit, hate everyone."

No. You do not hate everyone. You also do not 'legit' anything. 

"This is going to be a stupid question, but ..."

"No, that's a legitimate question and is helpful to others who are listening."

^ CORRECT, YOU WIN COMMON SENSE ^

Hacked. Oh, boy, this one. If you claim you hacked someone's Facebook profile, or any secure ANYTHING AT ALL, then you should be jailed. "Hacking" doesn't mean your friend left their computer or phone logged into Facebook like a dumbshit. That also makes you a dumbshit and therefore, a terrible friend. Goodbye, you're an embarrassment.

Now we move onto pictures. I don't really complain much about pictures, but a few make me worry for mankind. First of all, if your profile picture is a car, you're not special. There are many people who probably have that same picture as theirs, and it doesn't prove anything or inspire anyone. No one's going to say "wow, this is a great picture of you BUMBLEBEE."

But you will never be as cool as Bumblebee.

Even the racist twins in the second movie are better than you.

And that movie was awful.

Yep I went there.

Also, if all you do is upload Instagram'd pictures of your food, then you're stupid and I hate you.

I CAN'T EAT THIS I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE ON ME

That's what I imagine you to sound like.

Plus- sharing/posting pictures containing inspirational quotes are annoying. Something by Marilyn Monroe or something cheesy about relationships makes some say "aww" and makes some say "..." That's nothing, because they just keep scrolling. Yeah, your quote may be true, but it's not going to get any of us anywhere. You people make me feel like Squidward Tentacles, the king of not liking anything.

I might not have a problem with that.

Then there's that trend from about two years ago when everyone went through hundreds of those "groups" to join whose titles were something like "I put my socks on before my shoes." 

"WOW, I can really relate to that. Let me join."

It's time-consuming and only results in said group posting random pictures and other crap that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the title or intentions it originally imposed. I have this problem, and I've "un-liked" so many groups it's stupid.

One thing that makes me laugh, yet makes me want to hit something is when older people make statuses like this: "so today i went to the store with my family i love them so much theyre so good to me time to go outside on my lavish back porch and lounge on my overexpensive chair with my overexpensive beer and possibly take a picture of it in my hand with my disgustingly beautiful backyard as the backdrop oh and i hate grammar and punctuation because their dumb and i only made it to fourth grade"

My face when.

Sadly, I've seen stuff like this, and it both scares me and inspires me to be a better writer and a more appreciative person in life. First of all, old people, the only Facebook friends you have ARE your family, so you're just looking for comments like these:

"Oh, <close family friend with extremely common name>, we (commentor's family who is unaware of the posted comment) miss you so much!!!!!! Give your folks all our love!"

- Shut up, you wouldn't have said that out of the blue for your friend who you "love so much." You also used way too many exclamation points, didn't address the status itself, and you also know very well that no one is going to go "Hey, loving wife and ignorant bratty children! A friend of mine whom you probably don't remember just told me to give you guys her love, along with the unwillingly distributed love of her entire family!" Oh, and your lack of punctuation LITERALLY made me queasy.

No really, I heaved a bit while my eyes witnessed that tragic murder of periods and commas.

SHUT UP NO ONE CARES. Thank you.

Also, posting hundreds of mirror shots of yourself with some shitty quote underneath them gets repetitive. I swear, they could all be the same frigging picture and no one would notice because no one cares.

To end the post, I will make one complaint about the features Facebook offers, and it refers to the "liking" of pages. Let's say a friend of mine "likes" the "official page" of Nike. Shit, who cares if it's the official page, they're all the same and just re-post stuff the actual official page posts. Anyway, if a friend of mine AND NOT ME likes that page, I don't need to see that page's posts. Seriously.

"Oh, but Ryan, above the post we say that So-And-So likes our page! We're just enriching you with the secrets of life-" NO STOP MY EYES BLEED WITH EVERY UNNECESSARY PICTURE OF GLOW-IN-THE-DARK SNEAKERS AND EVERY SAD ATTEMPT AT A DEPRESSING PICTURE OF A DOG OR CHILD.

To conclude, I'll just state that this probably won't be my last post about you annoying people on Facebook. There will most likely be many more to come.

Note that this is strictly Facebook on here (with one mention of Instagram), so Twitter will eventually have its own post. 

YOUR WELCOME WORLD- SEE YOU NEXT TIME.

Lolumad.

6: Outerwear

Trust me, I'm no fashion guru. I'm not here to tell you what's 'in' and what's not, and I'm not going to tell you what to wear and what not to wear.

I'm simply going to show you what articles of clothing make you look stupid.

These. 

Honestly, I'm not sure what to say here. You're a few small differences away from wearing flippers. They just- I just- I don't even. Some words just cannot be said.

Precisely.

Another article of clothing isn't specific; it's just categorized into one extremely annoying trait of pants.

When they sag. I'm pretty lenient when it comes to pants; I mean, hey, if you need a belt and your pants are falling a little, it's fine. Just pull them up every now and again. But if you look like this:

Then you need to stop shopping at the Big and Tall. 

You'd be surprised how hard it was to find a picture in which the pant-wearer wasn't ONLY wearing pants and underwear. There were shirtless pictures of men everywhere along the Google images page, and we stay classy in this blog.

"... Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza..."

And then there's footwear like this:

Lolwut.

I forgot that we're all slowly becoming those creepy clowns you hire for children's parties. How silly of me.

"Yo these kicks tho"

I know, I mentioned something like this in my previous entry about 'swag.' But seriously. We went from shoes that light up to shoes with wheels under them to neon signs on your feet. You look stupid and I hate you. Plus, if you have multiple pairs of shoes like this, you need to start figuring out where you're going out with your life. It definitely shouldn't be revolving around your 'hot kicks.'

Fo sho.

As for shirts...

If your shirt is the length of a woman's dress, you might as well be actually wearing a dress.

Furthermore...

Again, I'm bringing up a past blog post when I talk about fitted caps, but this time it's not all about the brim- ok, it kind of is. A cap is meant to shield your eyes from the sun, hence the elongated brim at the front of the cap. Secondly, the top part, the one that is supposed to be head-shaped, is actually supposed to be adjusted to fit your noggin accordingly. As for the extremely creepy-looking man in the photo above, my comment is: Wearing hats- you're doing it wrong. I mean, the thing's not even hugging his head, it's simply resting upon it.

A small gust of wind, and bye-bye overpriced headgear.

Then, the brim isn't even over his eyes, really- mostly over just one of them. So if this grumpy man were to walk outside into the sunlight instead of taking pictures of himself in what's probably his mom's house grimacing at probably his cat, only one of his seeing devices would be properly shielded from the sun's rays.

Exhibit A: Today's generation.

Conclusion: Unless you're being hired to entertain (or scare, for a better word) at an unsuspecting 6-year-old's birthday party, please take it down a notch and take a long look at yourself before going out in public.

5: Swag

Oh boy. Here we go. Trying to Google pictures for a topic like this is going to be excruciatingly painful.

And by love, I mean you guys.

Swag is- well, I don't know what it is, exactly. Some people try to jump out and say "SECRETLY WE ARE GAY. LOLLLLL!!!1!!!" But that's stupid. You're stupid and I hate you. I hate you almost as much as I hate those who claim they possess "swag."

 Here are a few examples:

Yes, this is a picture of Justin Bieber. I told you this would be painful.

Not just for me- but for you, as well.

We learn through pain. I'm the teacher, and you are my student. As the teacher, I say STOP.

See that cap? It's what people like to call a "fitted" cap. I like to personally call it STUPID. If you're not allowed to curl the front part, then I don't see the point in the friggin thing. That's just how caps work, and plus, these idiots leave the stickers on.

How about we just keep the tags on all of our clothing and call it a day.

Also, note the sunglasses and jewelry. Most people who daydream about their swag tend to weigh themselves down with extensive amounts of jewelry. Rings, necklaces, dog tags, earrings, "grills"...

This is a grill...

And this is a grill...

But this is not. Again, I simply call it "stupid." 

If you're taking offense to this Lil' Wayne photo, then you need to re-prioritize your life. 

You're embarrassing yourself.

And then there's the actual clothing articles. 

This is where we're going in life. I mean- why? There are many speculative stories about the origins of this trend, but really- who said "wow, that looks really hip and trendy, I'm going to imitate them and look hip as well!" Well your HIPs must be broken, because they're supposed to aid in holding up your pants.

They're not working. Instead, you look like a penguin as you walk with what almost look like someone tied a blanket around your ankles. 

When it comes to shirts, I really don't care- just know the difference between a dress and a t-shirt. Please and thank you. (Remove the 'please' mentally.)

NEEEEXT.

Um...

Exactly.

If you're worried that much about getting your shoes dirty, as I've found a lot of people are, then you need to sit down and think about your life. 

"Yo don't step on my kicks, they're brand new"

sounds a lot like 

"I'd rather you didn't use my pen, it's brand new."

Before I go any further, let me just add: kicks? Really? Ok, I'll call my gloves 'punches' from now on.

Uh. Isn't that what it's FOR!? They protect your feet so your FEET don't get dirty. That's what they're there for. A helmet is on your head to protect your head. "I won't wear this helmet as I navigate this fighter jet hundreds of miles in the air because I don't want to scratch it."

I know; there are a lot of pictures. Get over it.

A lot of the people who claim to hold the secrets of swag refrain from using correct grammar and sentence structure. That is a problem, considering not only do you sound like a bumbling asshole with your "grillz," but you've just thrown your entire education out the window, and half the things you say are probably made up.

"Crib"

"Kicks"

"Grillz"

"Homey"

... Also, "mad" is not a quantity, it is an emotion. It can be used as an adjective, a noun, or a verb, but I don't want to hear any "he's got mad money." So the money is upset? Why would it be? The money has feelings? If so, he should donate that money to science. This man has just made a scientific breakthrough.

Anyway, all those words are stupid. Crib is the sleeping place for an infant, not the domain in which you reside. I touched upon kicks and grillz, and as for homey... I just don't get it. 

Another example is of those guys who pose like complete dumbasses in pictures. You know what I mean: They always have to be holding a Solo cup, one of their hands either has to be pointing at absolutely nothing or holding up the peace sign, and more often than not, one hand is always over the crotch.

Something like that. At least, that's what they all look like to me. Just- dumb.

Plus the crocs just add to the offensiveness of it all.

One more thing: This isn't just for people who have swag, this is for everyone. Those of you who call your significant other "daddy" or "momma" or whatever- you're stupid and I hate you. You're referring to the person you're sleeping with as your parent, and that's creepy.

In addition, I know everyone calls people 'baby' or 'babe.' That's fine, everyone does it. But don't let that become the only name you have for someone. It's like- uh, they have a name, loser. Use it. His/her parent would have named them as so if they knew you'd be as annoying as you are and sound.

Conclusion: I'd say to get rid of your swag, but it doesn't exist. Sit down and shut up.