9: Halloween

Boo.

'Tis the season to be jolly- or creepy. Or slutty, or drunk, or... you get the point.

For me, Halloween is nothing but a bunch of people walking around to get free crap dressed as something either funny, skanky, or scary. Sounds to me like a hobo's dream.

I gotta get me one of those.

No, but really. I am that guy who takes advantage of the scary movies being shown on TV. That leads to one annoyance of Halloween:

The spirit of the season. 

You overjoyed Christmas folk are bouncing around, decorating your homes with tens of thousands of dollars worth of lights and playing Christmas music from the moment Fall begins.

You're psychos, are what you are.

Even Hallmark gets their Christmas stuff in during JULY. Sorry, but I'm busy worrying about the start of school around that time. But Halloween, as fun as it is, gets the shit end of the stick. Halloween movies are on maybe a week before October 31st, at the earliest. I'm a scary movie lover, and I don't get to see any of the good ones before maybe four days in advance. Once November kicks in, in come the ol' Saint Nick commercials on TV. 

It's like- really? Thanks a lot, November. You and December are really stealing our thunder.

What really bothers me are the amount of people who claim to love Halloween, yet are little babies when it comes to scary movies. Girl, Halloween is what it is today BECAUSE of scary movies. You wouldn't see half of the costumes you see roaming the moonlit streets of your "quiet, safe" neighborhood if it weren't for scary movies. 

Well, except for the one where Tyra Banks gives Michael Myers some eyebrows. We can pretend that piece of steaming crap was never filmed. 

Plus, if you'd rather walk the streets with people dressed up like serial killers and take other people's candy instead of spending less than half the price of your costume on your own damn candy and watching movies in the safety of your own home, then you're weird and you should re-think your priorities.

"Ooh that person could be pretending to be a killer so he can blend in and really kill people! ... OOH FREE FOOD I FORGOT WHAT I WAS SAYING OH WELL"

That's basically how all horror movies start.

And come on, half of these scary movies are hysterical. I mean, really- who can take Freddy vs. Jason seriously? What... a train wreck.

This would actually have been a better plot.

Scary movies and traditions aside, where has the effort gone into costumes? 

Half of the costumes I've seen this year consisted of a stupid looking mask, jeans, and a hoodie. That looked more like someone was going to rob my house than a trick-or-treater. 

The other half consisted of:

"I'm gonna be a slutty ____."

Police officer, fireman, bunny, cat, stripper, cat, dog... cat. 

People dressed up to scare away demons and ghosts. That's part of where the Halloween folklore began. How are we scaring ANYTHING away other than our morals? All we're giving these ghosts and demons are either excitement in their nether-regions or more reasons to puke on unsuspecting teenagers.

NO you stay out of this, Linda Blair.

Conclusion: It's Halloween, not a strip club or your kindergarten art project. Put some effort into it and appreciate Stephen King, John Carpenter, and Wes Craven a little more, would ya? 

"OMG I loved Paranormal Activity!" - No, that doesn't count. The Blair Witch Project already tried and failed miserably. Snot, tears, and eyeball close-ups everywhere.

EVERYWHERE.