14. Relationships

Before I even begin, let me make this as clear as I can:

If you start whining and complaining that this is directed towards you, one individual, then you are sadly mistaken and should stop thinking everything's about you because you'd be living a LIE.

By now you should know that everything is, in fact, about me, so you don't know me at all, and I take offense to that. 

So lately, all I've been seeing or hearing from single people is the timeless complaint that goes something like this: "I'm gonna be alone forever," or, "I'll never find someone."

And to be clear, these phrases mostly come from the faces of people under the age of, say, 25. 

This is precisely where I draw the line. You're going to be alone forever? So you mean to tell me that from now on, you will not leave your house or socialize with ANYONE until the end of your existence? You won't meet anyone who will be interested in you? Not one person out of an entire planet's worth of people?

No. You best be jumpin' out that boat and you BEST be catching yourself some fish.

Look. I'm not saying that love or romantic relationships aren't important to me. That's stupid of course it's important, but people- this is 2013. We're not hunting and gathering, and we're able to get out there, get involved, and meet new people. 

But before someone is situated and content with their lives, why are they rushing to find their Mr. (or Mrs.) Right? Why not go out and have fun, read a book, get a job, go to school? Like I said, most of these people are under 25, and you have literally lived less than a quarter of your life. 

GRUMPY CAT WATER YOU DOING YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

Also, here's the thing I've thought most about these people, most of whom are on social media websites and post about their self-proclaimed "misery." Who really wants to be with some whiny little brat who can't just stop and smell the roses instead of picking apart their social lives? Maybe it's because you treat the internet like a diary, so everyone knows what kind of a sob story you really are. 

Just give Mr. Krabs your money and there won't be any issues. He'll love you immediately.

So cut the crap and don't rush life...

Why? Not because you'll miss it if you don't stop and look around once in a while.

It's because once you do find a significant other, the moment you start complaining about them, I will find you. I will angrily point a finger at you. 

I'll kidnap you and stick you in a room with Kim and Kanye, where everything will always be about them and you'll finally understand how the rest of us feel about your complaints. 

Well doesn't he look thrilled. 

These two found love and SO CAN YOU SO SHUT YOUR FACES

See you next time- and make sure to check out my other entries, as well as my other blog, Ryan Recommends! 

Interlude #1

Whaddup my little... Hm. I feel like I should have a nickname for my audience.

What? It's the cool thing now! Lady Gaga has her "little monsters," most YouTube stars have their audience "pet names"... Why shouldn't I come up with one?

"Maybe because you're an awful person who doesn't care about anyone, Ryan."

Shut your mouth, I'm thinking here. Nobody asked for you opinion.

"But you just did..."

ANYWAY

He's talking to himself again.

I thought it'd be fun to just kind of pick apart annoying things that have been going on recently that have irked me in some way or another, instead of doing one blog entry on one annoyance. I'll do a small list and rant a bit, and next time I'll have a nice hot&steamy blog ready for you guys.

"How long will it be before the next one..."

IS THAT SASS

DO I FEEL SASS COMING FROM YOU

THAT'S MY THING

Next time someone will make a blog similar to this one and the topic will be about me...

I'll feel so honored <3

Annoyances. Interlude #1:

1. Instagram

I may have mentioned Instagram a few times in my previous entries, but lately I've not only been hearing more about it, but I've been asked why I don't hold an account with the site.

The conversations usually sound something like this:

"Hey Ryan do you have an Instagram?"

"No, why?"

"It's so much fun and it's addicting!"

"Oh, what is it?"

"Uh... It's kind of like Twitter... Only with pictures."

First of all, not only is that the least helpful description of anything ever, but it sounds like you're signing up to these websites just because... Well, I don't know, exactly.

You know where I can post pictures? TWITTER.

And FACEBOOK.

And pretty much any damned other social media site EVER. So what's the point?

"There are filters."

Third meme usage in one blog. I'm on a roll.

...

Well call me Oprah! I'm in! YOU get a filter! And YOU get a filter! And YOU get a thousand pictures of randomly selected meal choices!

NO. These kids act like Instagram invented filters for photos. Ahh, look at this softened, lens-flare-covered picture of a bunch of trees in the springtime in sepia-tone. How... Realistic? If I wanted to see a photograph that looked like it'd been sitting on my grandmother's coffee table in direct sunlight for ten years, I'd just- well, I'd just look at any photos my family has taken of my parents' generation before I was born.

MOVING ON

2. Kim Kardashian's Already-Egotistic Fetus

If I see another magazine cover claiming that Kim Kardashian, queen of whining, is fat, I'll probably have to ditch life as I know it and become a hermit in the woods like Jason Voorhees. His biggest annoyance is pesky teenagers (basically ALL teenagers), and I'm totally used to that. 

No, but really- Kim Kardashian is pregnant. With a baby. You know, like, she has an unborn child in her womb. Meaning her belly will grow to the size of a watermelon or larger. If the presses don't understand that, they should be searching for life lessons instead of Kim Kardashian's latest outing.

Although this one is pretty funny...

But seriously, that thing is getting more attention than Kanye, and Kanye can only handle things not being about Kanye for so long before he starts to interrupt award ceremonies again.

3. Country music.

Country music isn't BAD, but it's annoying. I don't like it. Yeah, tractors and beer, whatever. Okay.

4. Sappy "inspirational" text-over-background pictures AND/OR "teenager posts"

These are those pictures that make you "hide" posts from a certain page on Facebook, and you end up having to do this to multiple pages to the point where you start to wonder: "I've blocked all pages. Where are these damned things coming from?" And then you realize it's some sort of alien invasion and you're screwed.

Like so:

Wow, that is SO relatable. This is so original that pretty much everyone does this!

and...

They... They what? They should be institutionalized, and you should be receiving surgery.

Oh.

5. Justin Bieber

I know, the Biebs has been annoying since the first time he hit a pan with his mother's wooden spoons before anyone knew anything about him. It was THAT kind of annoying. But no, I fear he's been getting worse. Mr. BigShot thinks he's... He's... Oh God I can't believe I'm saying this... Cool.

Yep, your famed teen pop sensation has literally been doing "sizzurp," (drinking cough syrup which sounds like something only "cool" kids do) spitting on people, and threatening to kill them.

This was when a paparazzi said something involving... cats. 

JBiebz didn't like that, y0, because he expects the paparazzi to say things like "swag" and sag their pants like he does. In an online video, the pint-sized songstress struggles to leap from the car and screams at the pressing crowds. It's adorable. His bodyguards look embarrassed, like he's their child who just asked why someone in the line at the bank was extremely obese. 

THIS is what teenaged girls go crazy about? This and Amanda Bynes, the so-called "queen" on Twitter?

Apparently she now does children's birthday parties for a decent price. Balloon animals included.

Alrighty, I think that's it for now. Hopefully soon I'll have a full-length blog for y'all, maybe on one of these topics or something else that really grinds my gears. If not, maybe another interlude like this one. Either way, see you soon, and may the odds not annoy you as a good handful of social interactions tend to do for me. 

13: Walking

Greetings. 

I'm back, which means either 1. something has annoyed me, or 2. the fact that I'm announcing a return is bad for my attempt at weekly blogs. 

Obviously I've failed my readers... 

Not one. 

Lately I've noticed that not only are people getting gradually lazier with their grammar and speaking abilities, but they're also getting lazier with their daily habits. In this case, I mean: people slide across floors instead of walking and it pisses me off.

Honestly- can you pick up your feet? Your parents didn't teach you to walk as a child for no reason. They put all their time and effort making it so they didn't have to pick your bitch ass up off the floor for you to regress in your walking abilities? 

If I wanted to see people gliding across floors I'd go to to an ice skating rink... Or better yet, Dracula's castle so he can kill me and just get it over with. I swear, it's like you WANT to make a trench in the floor. 

It's like a trend is starting: you grab your Ugg boots, put them on overdramatically like Batman, and drag your feet across the floor like they're chained together and you're carrying a weight. 

Alfred will take NO MORE of your crap.

And men, don't pretend you don't do it too. I'm yelling at all y'all here. I'd honestly rather hear your shoes squeak like Spongebob's than drag across the floor sounding like sandpaper. Has humanity really come to the point where we can't lift our feet a few inches off the ground? Sheesh. 

Don't even get me STARTED with walking slow. Your swag must not be working because a family of geese can cross a busy street faster than you can walk across a hallway. 

At least Kristin Wiig makes it look cooler than you do, and she's drugged in this scene.

So let's calm it down and walk like real people, shall we? Thanks.

I will leave you with this... Until next time:

As classic as these specials are, the animations are terrifying.

12: Social Media - Twitter, Part 2

Greetings. It's been a while.

I haven't been sick or anything, I'm just too lazy to make these entries so often.

SO SUE ME. (Please don't)

I return to you with more topics about social media, and in this case, the "Twitterverse." By the way, if you use that term for Twitter in seriousness, we're going to have to talk.

Twitter is full of interesting people, most of which have no clue how to- well, anything.

Close enough.

Alright, let's get down to business.

1. Hashtags. 

Twitter users often use hashtags before key words to point out their topic and make it more likely to be seen. It's pointless, really, but if enough people tag the same word or phrase it'll become "trending" and that will do absolutely nothing. Really. Nothing.

Using hashtags can most certainly be taken too far. 

Not even kidding, people do this.

Let's try to take it down a notch and stop screaming desperately for attention. How about limiting yourself to about 2-3 hashtag-ged words per tweet and call it a day? Because #youre #really #getting #annoying.

2. Hashtags... On Facebook

Hashtags only work on Twitter. They do not do anything for anyone on Facebook.

Un-link your Twitter and Facebook accounts and stop being a douche.

This picture is really dumb but it's Sir Patrick Stewart so it's ok.

3. Celebrity Feuds

Celebrities often have falling outs over Twitter like the mature human beings they are. They argue back and forth using hashtags and "lol"s... In short, they're really stupid. Yet everyone swarms to these fights like a car accident. Or like a fist fight over parking spaces.

I'm talking about you, Chris Brown and Frank Ocean.

Lul. Had to. 

That's great, you guys can't park elsewhere and walk to the recording studio. If I were going to make millions I'd walk from my freaking house. Taking their feud to Twitter, they threw backhanded comments back and forth and I was just about as impressed with that as I was with Justin Timberlake's new single...

I wasn't. THERE I SAID IT

4. Celebrity Parody Accounts That Aren't Aiming to Be Funny

... Why?

5. Spam.

"@RandomKidFromHighSchoolYouTalkedToOnce: yo u ned 2 see th1s video of u *insert suspicious link with random letters and numbers here*"

^ yeah, no. I'm not that stupid. ^

Seriously, what are you clicking on where you'd spam all of your Twitter followers? 

"Oh look at this link! It's all pretty and blue and clickable! It must be harmless!"

Pretty much.

6. Messages Take Up More Than One Tweet's Worth of Text

Tweets have a limit of 140 characters. Use them wisely. 

A lot of people tend to talk

and talk

and talk

and talk

... and eventually they'll have to break up their message into 3 or more Tweets.

I'm not going to search for all 3 in my news feed, thank you. This isn't a scavenger hunt, this is "I'm bored and I'm just scrolling mindlessly. Don't catch my attention just to have an unfinished Tweet." By the time I see it's been cut off I've lost all interest and move on with my life.

To conclude this last point and also conclude this blog entry, I leave you with this: