3: Food Faces

People make funny faces. I make funny faces all the time; I could make a living off 'em if anyone would pay me. But there's a fine line between "hahahahaaa!" and "what the hell are you doing?"

Like so.

What I'm talking about here is making faces while you eat. Like, ridiculously stupid faces that make you look like a dumbass. I've already talked in a previous post about my pet peeve with sound effects. Well, visuals are no better, and they not only piss me off, but gross me out.

I noticed that most strange faces whilst consuming food are made as someone is maneuvering said food around in their mouth. Either that, or maybe they're picking something out from between their teeth or something... No matter, you are stupid and I hate you.

Hey, don't cry to me! I get food out from between my teeth all the time and I don't make any sort of constipated-looking faces. I haven't just soiled my pants, and I'm not pondering the secrets of life to the point of face-twitching. 

Silly John Mayer. I know he's not eating food, he's singing- I'm not stupid, like those of you not trained in the art of putting food in your mouth and looking like a human being; but I've seen this face on people while they're eating and all I can think is: "What could it taste like to get a face like that out of you?"

"Stop. You're irritating to the eyes," is what I'd normally like to say.

Anything to get the idiot to stop trying to be funny. That's what I hate, as well: People who try to be funny while I'm eating. It's one thing to be funny in conversation, or for someone to do something embarrassing, therefore making me laugh at them- but it's another to be trying to get a laugh out of me while I'm eating, and not paying a pit of attention to you. Again, you're stupid and I hate you. I'm trying to savor my food, not look at your hideous face.

Let's look at it this way: when you're making faces like that, you look like a mime who was just kicked in the balls, and because they're a mime, can't make a noise and wail in agony.

Now you're trying to be a funny wise-ass. To me, after seeing those faces (and probably hearing your disgusting chewing, you sick bastard), you sound like Dory from Finding Nemo trying to speak whale.

She's better at it than you are because she's better than you. You suck and don't know how to eat.

Lesson in successfully consuming meals:

Step 1: Pick up fork. Unless you're eating finger food, use cutlery. Please. If you're using a spoon, then do the same. Same goes for knives, but use them alongside forks. You're not cool enough to use them to feed yourself directly.

Step 2: Grasp your fork firmly as you spear your defenseless entree. You don't want that thing flying across the room. If it hits me, shit's going down, and you won't be hungry afterwards. When it comes to spoons, scoop the food into the inverted end, not the part that sticks out. Following me?

Step 3: Lift the fork (or spoon, or spork if you're an asshole) up to your mouth. Open your mouth as it nears your oral cavity to prevent a mess that I'll most likely have to clean up because I'm surrounded by five-year-olds. 

Step 4: Insert the food into your mouth and close it. Remove the silverware from your mouth because leaving it in there might hurt you, and I don't want to hear it. Not a word.

Step 5: Chew your food. Keep your mouth closed while you chew because not only is it polite, but you get to keep ALL the food in your mouth whilst also allowing me to be a happy camper.

"Has anyone ever really been a happy camper?"

Step 6: You're still eating your food because for some reason, it takes you just as long to chew your food as an old person missing their dentures. And they'll probably still be done longer than you. Try not to look like you're taking a test. Those "thinking" faces only make it look like you haven't seen a toilet in days.

Step 7: Swallow the food. By this time, if I haven't yelled at you or given you a dirty look, then you've succeeded in the art of not being stupid at the dinner (or breakfast, whatever floats your goat) table.

Conclusion: If you're making faces while you're eating, you're not doing it right.