4: Common Courtesy

As mean as I claim to be (and for the most part, really am... just ask a handful of friends and family), I'm still generally friendly upon first greetings. It's usually if I really don't like you or if I'm really comfortable around you when I start becoming the sarcastic, narcissistic ass I really am. 

When I'm passing by someone in a hallway, or on the sidewalk, etc., I'm most often the one who says "Hi," or "Hello," upon eye contact or a shared smile. It's only polite, and it makes me seem like a good person. People thinking I'm a good person, leading to possible compliments. See, it all comes back to being all about me. I'm doing these nice things for people, only for myself, though, in reality.

That may sound a bit confusing (If tl;dr: It's all about me and what I want and how I feel. Bye.), but that's just all leading up to the annoyance for this post: Common courtesies. When you don't reply to my greeting with a response, it really irritates me.

Let's not mess with Garfield. He has a bat, and tomorrow's Monday.

Most people complain about awkward moments, like in elevators and such. Well, when I say hi to you in a public place, and you either just nod and smile or say nothing at all, well- THAT MAKES IT AWKWARD. I didn't have to say hi to you, or even acknowledge your presence! I just wasted a whole breath (maybe two, if I threw in a "how are you" as well) on your rude ass, and now I'm annoyed.

I think this blog is living up to its name; just writing about this is beginning to piss me off.

At a workplace is debatably worse; you deal with hundreds (more or less) of people a day, and to be honest, a good portion of them are usually nice and responsive... A better word is POLITE. But you always get that good handful or two of those people who may not mean to, but give you a snarky look of "Don't talk to me. I'm leaving now." Fine, BYE. Sorry for being nice to you. Jeez. 

Sometimes, after incidents like encountering ridiculously pompous or just straight-up socially awkward people, I feel like I wasted my one good deed of the day, and now I have no more to give.

This was too funny not to post. Yes, this is Lady Gaga, and if you have an issue with that, re-read the text in the picture a few times.

Anywho, I know this all might sound nit-picky about things that irk me, but you know what? You're the ones making things awkward and you're the ones who all complain about awkward moments. 

LOGIC?

I like this meme. ... So yeah.

Conclusion: If I say hi, say hi back. Respond to my greetings. If someone else says hi to you, I don't care. 

:)

3: Food Faces

People make funny faces. I make funny faces all the time; I could make a living off 'em if anyone would pay me. But there's a fine line between "hahahahaaa!" and "what the hell are you doing?"

Like so.

What I'm talking about here is making faces while you eat. Like, ridiculously stupid faces that make you look like a dumbass. I've already talked in a previous post about my pet peeve with sound effects. Well, visuals are no better, and they not only piss me off, but gross me out.

I noticed that most strange faces whilst consuming food are made as someone is maneuvering said food around in their mouth. Either that, or maybe they're picking something out from between their teeth or something... No matter, you are stupid and I hate you.

Hey, don't cry to me! I get food out from between my teeth all the time and I don't make any sort of constipated-looking faces. I haven't just soiled my pants, and I'm not pondering the secrets of life to the point of face-twitching. 

Silly John Mayer. I know he's not eating food, he's singing- I'm not stupid, like those of you not trained in the art of putting food in your mouth and looking like a human being; but I've seen this face on people while they're eating and all I can think is: "What could it taste like to get a face like that out of you?"

"Stop. You're irritating to the eyes," is what I'd normally like to say.

Anything to get the idiot to stop trying to be funny. That's what I hate, as well: People who try to be funny while I'm eating. It's one thing to be funny in conversation, or for someone to do something embarrassing, therefore making me laugh at them- but it's another to be trying to get a laugh out of me while I'm eating, and not paying a pit of attention to you. Again, you're stupid and I hate you. I'm trying to savor my food, not look at your hideous face.

Let's look at it this way: when you're making faces like that, you look like a mime who was just kicked in the balls, and because they're a mime, can't make a noise and wail in agony.

Now you're trying to be a funny wise-ass. To me, after seeing those faces (and probably hearing your disgusting chewing, you sick bastard), you sound like Dory from Finding Nemo trying to speak whale.

She's better at it than you are because she's better than you. You suck and don't know how to eat.

Lesson in successfully consuming meals:

Step 1: Pick up fork. Unless you're eating finger food, use cutlery. Please. If you're using a spoon, then do the same. Same goes for knives, but use them alongside forks. You're not cool enough to use them to feed yourself directly.

Step 2: Grasp your fork firmly as you spear your defenseless entree. You don't want that thing flying across the room. If it hits me, shit's going down, and you won't be hungry afterwards. When it comes to spoons, scoop the food into the inverted end, not the part that sticks out. Following me?

Step 3: Lift the fork (or spoon, or spork if you're an asshole) up to your mouth. Open your mouth as it nears your oral cavity to prevent a mess that I'll most likely have to clean up because I'm surrounded by five-year-olds. 

Step 4: Insert the food into your mouth and close it. Remove the silverware from your mouth because leaving it in there might hurt you, and I don't want to hear it. Not a word.

Step 5: Chew your food. Keep your mouth closed while you chew because not only is it polite, but you get to keep ALL the food in your mouth whilst also allowing me to be a happy camper.

"Has anyone ever really been a happy camper?"

Step 6: You're still eating your food because for some reason, it takes you just as long to chew your food as an old person missing their dentures. And they'll probably still be done longer than you. Try not to look like you're taking a test. Those "thinking" faces only make it look like you haven't seen a toilet in days.

Step 7: Swallow the food. By this time, if I haven't yelled at you or given you a dirty look, then you've succeeded in the art of not being stupid at the dinner (or breakfast, whatever floats your goat) table.

Conclusion: If you're making faces while you're eating, you're not doing it right.

2: Words

Words are pretty simple, I'd say.

Then again, I plan on making words my future career choice, so I guess they'd have to come naturally if I expect to get anywhere with them. Either way, one thing that really worries me about words is when people either don't pronounce them right or spell them right.

(I know I said this would be weekly, but hey. You get a treat in the first week. Woohoo.)

Today, during one of my classes at school, my teacher used the word 'familiar' in context. I'm not going to recreate that context, because, frankly, I'm pretty sure I wasn't really paying attention.

Good grief.

Anyway, my professor, who is a great person and all, a real young and chill guy, used the word 'familiar.' Normally, I'd have absolutely no problem with that at all, but this time, like a lot of other times I have endured, this man pronounced it as 'fermiliar.' And thank you, Safari, for underlining that word in red, because that word DOESN'T EXIST. LIKE, AT ALL.

What do these people do in their spare time, sit at home and add letters to random words of the English language? Another common example that I get is "Do you have an 's' after your last name? Meyers?" No, otherwise I would have introduced myself as so. While we're on the topic, do you have a 'q' at the end of yours? No? That's weird? Yeah, exactly.

One that I can admit I've probably done before is the word 'jewelry.' I often hear it pronounced as 'jewlery,' and things like that kind of make me want to cry a little. It's like people held this word in their arms, like a baby, and then dropped it down a flight of stairs, jumbling up the letters. This one isn't as bad, mostly because I've done it before, and it's okay if I do it. 

It is all about me, after all.

Well it's true...

Don't even get me started with:

"Can I axe you a question?"

Because the answer would be no. No you can't.

Conclusion: Let's pronounce words the way they're supposed to be pronounced. 

1: My Pet Peeve

Everyone has a pet peeve. If you don't, you're a dirty liar.

Mine, because this blog is all about me (as it should be always and forever), is those who lack in the art of successfully chewing their food. When I sit down at a table or some other eating surface to chow down, I'd rather not have any sound effects. Really, it's okay, I know how food is chewed, I do it all the time. There's no need to show me.

That sound- oh, that sound. The exact OPPOSITE of what I need to be hearing. Like, really- oh, I didn't realize I just walked into a BARN.

Right.

If you just happen to have been giving the pleasure of eating in my presence, and you chomp away like an overdramatic cartoon character (I'm talkin' to you, Looney Tunes.), I won't hesitate to tell you to shut the hell up and eat your food like a human being. I mean, babies are one thing- they're still learning to put the damn food in their mouths, let alone consume that food. I let them off the hook because often times, kids are cute. But you're a grown adult, and I should not have to put up with you. Go chew obnoxiously with your other cow friends. Bye.

So I'm not sure if this entry was as long as I'd originally intended it to be- and that's when my power went off. Cool. Talking about annoying things, my first real entry in a new blog, and the power goes out on me. "Your draft can't be saved right now." YEAH I GET IT. Anyway, now that I don't remember what I was saying, if I ever feel like adding onto this or any other topic in this blog, you'll see a 'Part 2'.

Back to the original subject... (You can also expect to see a lot of rage faces and Spongebob quotes, hence the URL.)

Conclusion: Barn animals have more table manners than you. Get it together, people.

Intro.

I suppose before I start blogging away  my readers (if I ever have any) should know a little bit about me first. My name's Ryan, and I just started my freshman year of college this fall. Anyway, for starters, I'm a writer. That's usually my first introduction, because it's the most important thing in the world to me. Big surprise there, making a blog online... Hopefully one day I'll be a professional, published author. That would be pretty awesome. My biggest inspirations are Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and J.K. Rowling for their personal writing styles and their abilities to take hold of their readers and never let go until the last page has been turned. Their characters are extremely believable, and their stories are timeless.

I absolutely love to watch movies. Horror is my favorite genre because of the adrenaline rush. I'm not one of those people who claim they're unafraid yet shiver in their seats. I jump, I gasp, and I laugh (usually when it's really not appropriate. I have a sick sense of humor. Get over it.), and that's the fun of it, isn't it? That's what they're trying to do: scare you. If it's not working, then you're doing it wrong. John Carpenter's Halloween is my all-time favorite movie. Above all other genres as well as horror, this movie has defined what we know today as the modern slasher. There have been other movies before and after it, but nothing stands as tall and lingers as eerily as the atmosphere as this classic film. Rob Zombie's remake, I'll admit, was decent- much better than half of the original's sequels, I'll give it that- but nothing can defeat the original Michael Myers and his William Shatner mask. That stuff is pants-shittingly good.

You'll find out more about me as this blog continues- just hold tight and laugh along at my ridiculousness. Or not, do what you want. I don't own you.

Don't be thrown off about this blog- I'm not going to sit around and review my favorite things, although I might if they're brought up... But this blog is going to be about things that get on my nerves, hence, Annoyances. I'm going to try and keep this consistent, at least one blog a week, if not more. So stick with me, and hopefully more than just me will be reading this.